literary spot: Star Wars: Chill Out

"Fewer and fewer people are interested in the story of Jesus®. I do not want to bore the reader, so I’ll just say that… that the Galactic Republic is engulfed in turmoil. The insatiable Trade Federation has attempted to take control of all the trade routes currently being used by the CocaineTM caravans and they have unjustly surrounded the peaceful planet of GSM with hundreds of their giant battleships… Now the star cruisers have come out with their laser blasters and the Jedis, the bravest of all, are employing their lightsabers…

(A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…)
Phase 1 (Attack). Luke Skywalker and R2D2 attack the Empire in their galactic X-Wing FighterTM. Chewbacca’s Y-WingTM is also involved in the offensive, striking the Empire from the flank. Darth Vader, however, sends his TIE FighterTM to stop the Rebel forces’ assault.
Phase 2 (Lightsaber). Princess Leia® watches Luke Skywalker® as he clashes with the Empire’s scouts, who are riding their Speeder BikesTM. Fortunately, Luke has his lightsaber with him.
Phase 3 (Siege). Using their SnowspeedersTM, Luke Skywalker® and the Rebel forces are able to attack the Empire’s troops from various directions.
Phase 4 (The Planet). Obi-Wan Kenobi® and Luke® race to the planet Teraria on their hovercraft LandspeederTM to visit Yoda’s hermitage.
Phase 5 (Yoda’s Chill Out). Both guests — Obi-Wan Kenobi® and Luke Skywalker® — wait in a summerhouse, preparing to enter Yoda®’s tea hut. They tuck small, folded fans of about 15 centimeters’ length into their belts. The fans symbolize Samurai swords. Time passes. Luke® bites his nails and occasionally waves away a fly that’s buzzing around him.
Obi®: You want to get rid of it? I’ll tell you how. You don’t need any technology, fancy electronic repellents or swatters… I can teach you how to hit the fly without using anything but your bare hands.
Luke®: You quickly snap your hand and snatch it in mid-flight?
Obi®: No, my method is much simpler and more effective. It is based on years of observing flies as they take off. It certainly works on the common housefly (musca domestica), but I have not yet tried it on the other four thousand fly species. I have yet to observe home flies (mucina stabulans) and attic flies (fannia canincullaris) taking off. For some strange reason they just fly around tables but never land, or at least I’ve never seen them land.
Luke®: So tell me then.
Obi®: I’ve noticed that flies, as a matter of principle, always take off vertically from a table. Just like a helicopter. At about 10 to 15 centimeters, they choose a direction and then buzz off. It was based on this observation that I developed my method of killing them.
A fly is a smart observer. It responds to movements and shifts in the wind. If you want to hit it with a rolled-up newspaper, it will respond much faster than you. That’s why the flyswatter with holes was invented: The airflow leaks through the holes, and therefore the fly doesn’t consider the colorful, honeycomb surface dangerous. Nevertheless, one is not always fast enough, and one does not always have a flyswatter at hand.
What I do is, I place both of my palms near the fly. I’m about 10 centimeters from the surface of the table and I keep a distance of a good 25 centimeters between my palms. At this point the fly is unruffled and perhaps is even laughing at me, thinking that I want to smash it on the table. But then I simply clap my hands in the air, above the fly…
The fly takes off when it feels the movement of my palms and pays for its bad habit of taking off like a helicopter. You have to experiment a few times to find the right distance from the table and between your palms. The good thing is that you don’t break anything on the table. You clap your hands above the table, and the fly has no chance.
My method only works with horizontal surfaces; it fails with others. I studied fly takeoffs from a curved lamp, but I couldn’t find a takeoff angle as generally valid as that from flat surfaces. Fly behavior is also mysterious and unpredictable when taking off from vertical surfaces. Why does the fly launch to the right one day and to the left the next, and then sometimes straight up? I once came across a fly that launched downward! I must say that I don’t know why.

(In another part of the galaxy… Hyperspace jump). Han Solo® and Leia® have been spawning like fish all day. They are now flying their damaged Falcon into a hangar inside Anal Destroyer.

Luke®: Obi®, I’m very happy that we’re alone here — at least for the moment. I want to tell you something and I hope you won’t be offended.
Obi® (watching a procession of ants marching over his shoes): Uhm…
Luke®: I’ve noticed more than once that you clench your teeth, and wrinkle your facial muscles. And you stutter. Your lips and finger tips tremble…
Obi® (biting his nails indifferently): Go on…
Luke®: Obi®, I can hear the ringing in your ears…
Obi®: Is that everything?
Luke®: I can see that your pupils are dilated. I’ve noticed for some time now that your facial skin is turning red. I believe your mouth is dry right now — I can tell by how many times you swallow … and by your constant swilling of Intelex.
Obi®: OK, Luke®. I’d like to tell you something too, and I hope you won’t be offended either (spits out the nails).
Luke®: ?
Obi®: Luke®, I know you’re constipated right now. You’re having digestion problems. When I inhale, I know you break into a sweat. Your palms and feet are always cold and you urinate too often…(spits out more nails). I can feel your irregular pulse, Luke… I’ve noticed your neurotically conditioned rhythmic movements, your finger tapping on the table and how you bounce your foot.
Luke® (he, too, spits out nails): Why such an exaggerated response to minor stimuli, Obi®? Why this exaltation, perfectionism, why this fast and incomprehensible talk? Why the constant guard and increasing suspicion?
Obi®: Take an honest look at yourself, Luke®. You need a supplementary dose of amino acids. You lack Creatin.
Luke®: Obi®, it’s not like that and you know it! I’m sorry to say this, but I think your Intelex-soaked brain is getting to you. The ol’ gray matter is dangerously soggy with Dehydropiandrosterone. And your coordination is less than remarkable, too.
Obi®: You need Creatin, Luke®. Your NQG is…
Luke®: No, Obi®, you’re the one who needs to shed your excess DH-Epiandrosterone. Believe me, Obi®.

(Meanwhile, in another part of the galaxy… looking through a surveillance camera)
Female convicts (CocaineTM smugglers) on the planet GSM snip off curlicues of pubic hair and send them in matchboxes to male convicts. The male convicts (CocaineTM smugglers) examine the curlicues, sniff them and masturbate. They fill up the matchboxes with their sperm and send them back.

“Gentlemen, would you please follow me to Yoda®’s tea hut.” Y2K leads both guests down the dewy garden path of flat stones. The walk through the hushed garden represents a break from ties to the outside world.
The guests wash their hands and mouths with water from a stone basin. After leaving their shoes at the door, they crawl on their knees through a low, almost square-shaped door that forces everybody down to the same level. They’re inside. A scroll of poems is hanging in a niche. A vase containing a single flower sits on a low table. A kettle is singing… in the bubbling you can hear the echo of a waterfall, cast in mist, a distant ocean crashing onto a rocky shore, heavy rain slashing through a bamboo forest…
Kneeling on the ground, Obi® and Luke® bow deeply to express their admiration for the beauty of the scroll, the flower and the bubbling kettle. Then they sit on their heels in precisely marked positions. (The host never arrives before the guests are seated!)

(Meanwhile in another part of the galaxy… Hyperspace jump)
Han Solo® meanders around the base. He enters the dimly lit corner of a bunker but a terrifying band of soldiers and the unpleasant aura pull him up short at the door. He observes them from a safe distance. They are clustered around Chewbacca® and listen to him with great interest, with reverie. Chewbacca® is going into minute detail about his wedding night. Staring at him, the soldiers stand there as if in a trance, their trousers hanging open. They are relieving themselves with their hands…

Yoda® enters the room. He shuffles in, leaning on a cane.
Y2K serves the guests “custard cookies.” Following etiquette, Obi® asks Yoda®: “Will you allow me to drink before you?” Then he expresses his appreciation: “I take the tea you made with great gratitude.”
Obi® then looks up to Yoda® and courteously asks: “Which teapot did you use today?”

(In another part of the galaxy… through a surveillance camera)

Arkan’s Extermination CommandosTM in black masks march through the city. There is no drinking water or electricity. The desperate fill their bellies with boiled leaves. Children are dying of diarrhea and cholera. Piles of bloated and decaying corpses cover the streets, rats gnaw them down to the bones.

When Obi® finishes his tea, he wipes clean the place he touched with his lips. Luke® follows his example. Yoda® finishes his cup too and closes his eyes. It looks as if he’s fallen into a hypnotic sleep. Time passes. Nothing stirs. Luke begins biting his nails… Obi® frowns at him… They both sit motionless staring at their cups.

(In another part of the galaxy… through a surveillance camera)
Ipsants from the planet Bono catch their sperm in cones of newspaper, which they throw down the toilet.

Yoda®’s eyes creak open again.
Yoda®: The light that enters me resembles a beam composed of many rays. They cross at a point I call my “zero immaculate state.” There a miracle occurs: My Superhead is born again.
ObiR and Luke® instinctively make a grab for their cups.
Yoda®: Obi®, you must go and take Wechsler’s IQ Verbal ScoreTM as soon as possible. You must test the level of wear and tear on your mental operating system.
Yoda®: And you, Luke® (raising his cane and pointing), must go to BingbongTM right away. You’re just an ordinary bantha-poodoo!
LukeR wipes his nose with his sweaty hand.
Hand trembling, Yoda® drinks his tea.
Yoda®: That’s all I have to tell you. Let us pray now. Lie on your sides.
Yoda® reads and the cosmic warriors repeat after him:
1. Force, let me not show signs of permanent operational damage.
2. Force, let me gain biological resistance to a biological environment.
3. Force, let me be free of any psycho-physiological blocks.
4. Force, let me have total psycho-neuralgic ability and maximum amplitude of bio-energetic performance.
5. Force, let me be free of all apparent and latent neuropathological symptoms.
6. Force, let me have a high degree of speed and quality of nerve signal transference.
7. Force, let me have complete control over the flow of thought.
8. Force, let me attain ironclad self-confidence.
9. Force, let me attain oceanic immensity.
10. Force…
Obi® and Luke® look up. Yoda® is experiencing another pycnoleptic attack. His eyes roll to the back of his head and he falls into a spastic swoon. The two galactic warriors fly away.

(Meanwhile, in another part of the galaxy… through a surveillance camera)
The crowd is still paralyzed, almost unable to breathe. Wandering groups of believers are falling unconscious, strangely possessed, ripping at their clothes as if they want to take their skin off. A grasshopper hops into the crowd. “Grasshoppers!” someone shouts. Panic and hysterical shrieks erupt.

Phase 6 (Revelation).
Yoda® (covering his face with his palms — a gesture of Absolute RevelationTM): If we can neither deny nor refute the fact that everything has a cause, it means that all causes are linked like a chain or a “net” forming a causal, deterministic Nexus. A causal, deterministic Nexus is a necessity and nothing can leap the tracks, nothing escapes it…

(In another part of the galaxy… through a surveillance camera)
Arkan’s son Invit is playing with a tiny robot, winding it up and watching it walk. When the robot hits an obstacle, it rolls back, then goes on.

Phase 7 (Agnus Dei).
Yoda® is standing at the door of his hut, repeating: Erat verbum apud Deum vestrum. I beseech you, male and female rats, leave my home. Decretis, reversis et desembarassis virgo potens, clemens, justitae.

(In another part of the galaxy…)
Kakuzo Okakura tells his children: The entire galaxy can be taken apart and then reassembled. You can build your own galaxy. At your command, popular spaceships and all the great characters from Star Wars will leap into action.

(AmbientGalaxyMix)
"

01.02.2001